Imagine straight men embarking on the adventure of our lives, stepping forward as pioneers of a bold new future in which straight men help other straight men take 100% responsibility for preventing unwanted pregnancies. Imagine straight men reshaping societal expectations!
Could this very moment — as everything feels like it's falling apart — be fresh, ripe, and delicious with potential to create innovative solutions to seemingly impossible-to-solve problems?
By Mike Reid | September 2025
In just a minute, I'm going to ask you to invest between $5,000 and $50k in The Perfect Ethical Company's mission to reduce unwanted pregnancies (and hopefully 3x your investment by December 2028).
But first, a story from 20 years ago.
Because back when I was in college in the mid-2000s, I had just gotten my first flip phone, the most exciting part of Facebook was the poke button, and the local grocery store was called Safeway.
And Safeway started advertising something totally outrageous.
They called it the "Fresh, Ripe, and Delicious Guarantee."
And here's how it worked: Safeway was now guaranteeing that ALL of their produce would be: (1) fresh, (2) ripe, and (3) delicious.
And if you weren't 100% satisfied with the freshness, the ripeness, or the deliciousness of any piece of fruit, you could now return your produce for a full refund.
But wait, because that's not all!
Because not only would Safeway refund you, but you would ALSO get free replacement produce!
That's right — A full refund AND free replacement produce.
Ok. So although I was only in my early 20s at the time, it seemed to me quite obvious that the Fresh, Ripe, and Delicious Guarantee was fresh, ripe and delicious for waste, fraud, and abuse.
Because the thing about the Fresh, Ripe, and Delicious Guarantee is that while there is some objective measure of freshness and ripeness, deliciousness is, of course, entirely subjective.
In other words, Safeway had established a sort of Free Produce Loophole for those willing to go through the extra and perhaps uncomfortable hoop of purchasing and then returning their produce, which up to that point had always been a huge faux pas.
But Safeway was now looking me in the eye, daring me to violate this social norm.
So — never too worried about a little awkwardness — I had a few afternoon Coronas and then got a friend to drive me to Safeway.
I selected some fruit. Not too much, I didn't want to be greedy on the first time through. Some cherries. Some underripe nectarines.
Then, I purchased the produce — as usual.
After that, I exited the grocery store.
In the parking lot, I sampled the fruit. The underripe nectarines I'd just purchased obviously weren't ripe, which was guaranteed.
The cherries were fine — but not as delicious as cherries can be sometimes especially if really cold and firm, so I decided to return the cherries too.
I re-entered Safeway. I guess Customer Service must have been closed because I had to go back through the checkout line I was just in. There was a wait. When it was my turn, I mumbled something about the Guarantee and the lack of ripeness/deliciousness.
In an instant, all my confidence had disappeared.
Things suddenly got extremely quiet and I felt infinitely more uncomfortable than I had imagined this process was going to be.
No one else was in on the joke.
My friend physically distanced himself from me like he'd never met me and was just another dude in line.
Someone else muttered something mean under their breath.
It was almost like this was the very first time anyone was actually making use of the Guarantee.
Yes, I was that guy, returning fruit I had just purchased for no good reason other than to see if the Fresh, Ripe, and Delicious Guarantee would truly be honored. Which it was. In full.
Yes, I was refunded. My initial poor selections were confiscated.
I was then allowed free reign to select as much free fruit as I liked and then to leave the store as quickly as possible.
And look, I get it. I seem like the villain of this story, right?
But still, the sheer audacity of Safeway to guarantee that every single piece of fruit in their store would be continually fresh, ripe, and delicious — 100% of the time?
Take avocados, as just one example. How's that going to work?
And yet, despite the Fresh, Ripe, and Delicious Guarantee, no one but me was returning underripe fruit in order to take advantage of the Free Produce Loophole, and earn what would functionally amount to a lifetime of Unlimited Free Fruit Access.
In fact, millions of Americans intentionally buy unripe fruit every day, planning ahead for a time when the fruit will have ripened.
Some Americans even go so far as to put their underripe fruit into a brown paper bag, which facilitates the ripening process.
I honestly don't understand these people.
Personally, the last thing I want to do is to have more work to do once I get home with my unripe fruit.
My philosophy is: Buy ripe, or don't buy at all.
However, buying underripe fruit is every American's right.
Any American — yes, even Anthony Fauci — has the freedom to buy underripe avocados and store them in a brown paper bag with an apple and a banana in order to to hasten their ripening.
But to be honest, I sometimes go days and even months without any avocados at all because other Americans are using their own freedom to buy up all the closest-to-ripe ones available, and no ripe avocados have come up for sale.
But this is America.
And America is unusually hardcore about freedom.
And perhaps there is no more sticky a topic regarding freedoms in America than the one between the freedom for women to have control over their own bodies and reproductive choices versus the freedom of Americans opposed to such activities to attempt to ban these activities via the legal system — which, honestly, they have been extremely successful at accomplishing, as of late.
This is an incredibly challenging issue, because in the potential venn diagram of agreement between the two sides — especially among the most passionate among us — there appears to be no overlap at all. For that reason and others, in June 2022 —right before the Supreme Court repealed Roe v. Wade — I spent some time hanging out outside the Supreme Court, chilling and trying to understand the perspectives of the activists on both sides.
The perspective of each side was extremely different. Extremely.
There was absolutely nothing that both sides would agree on.
And my attempts at organizing an impromptu dialog between the two sides was going no where.
There were no common interests between the two groups at all.
Well, until I finally found one.
Sex.
That's right. Sex.
Honestly, this discovery was initially quite surprising — because sex is actually the cause of the entire problem. Right?
However, absolutely none of the activists wanted to ban sex.
Of course, the pro-choice crowd was all very sex-positive.
The pro-lifers were a little trickier. When asked about sex, they definitely wanted to engage on the rules of acceptable vs not.
However, if forced to provide a simple thumbs up or thumbs down, pro-lifers are actually an easy yes when it comes to sex.
"We're all for sex!" someone said.
Holy fuck.
Then, I tried another: Unwanted pregnancy?
Who is for unwanted pregnancy?
Everyone just stared at me. Absolutely nobody raised their hand in support of unwanted pregnancy.
Bingo. Unwanted pregnancy is extremely unpopular. Holy shit.
So everyone is a yes on sex. But everyone is a no on unwanted pregnancy. I was on a roll.
Ok! Here we go, I've got a solution.
We're all for....comprehensive sex ed! Right?
Oh god. That was a big mistake. I had become overconfident.
Obviously, there is a wee bit of disagreement these days when it comes to sex ed.
But let's be honest, it's impossible to even discuss the problem of unwanted pregnancy until we identify who we should blame.
And it is undeniable science that nearly all unwanted pregnancies are caused when straight men ejaculate a fluid called semen (which contains 100 million live sperm) literally inside a woman's body without first having devised a foolproof strategy to prevent even just one of those sperm from making it to the finish line.
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And here's the really wild part about all of this: In America, here in the year 2025, ejaculating at inappropriate times or in unacceptable locations is typically extremely frowned upon.
For example, a man would be likely to be arrested for ejaculating in a restaurant, in a crowded subway car, in an uncrowded subway car, or really in any public place at all.
And although a man would likely not be arrested for ejaculating in a Starbuck's restroom, it's definitely not something he'd be proud of or would brag to friends about — so it should also be avoided.
Just imagine two straight dudes are out day drinking together.
And assume they've gotten quite drunk because they're drinking exclusively martinis. And imagine one of them says, "Dude, I'm going to go find a Starbucks and ejaculate inside the restroom."
100% of the time — every single time — the other straight dude would prevent that from happening.
There is so much negative peer pressure for this sort of behavior that straight dudes never even bring up the idea of something like that. This is despite our male biology, which we were born with and which requires us to ejaculate as frequently as 2+ times daily.
And yet, straight men have successfully overcome our biological challenges and regulated our own and other men's ejaculation in nearly every social situation.
Well, except for one. We've failed to consider a place that is far more dangerous to ejaculate in than a Starbucks restroom.
In sum, it's clear we need to find new ways to tackle the issues plaguing society, like the high rates of unwanted pregnancies.
Our strategy, however, must be far from drab. Instead, it needs to be engaging, fun, and appealing to everyone, including straight men, who find themselves 100% to blame for all societal issues.
Our Brands:
We must create spaces where it's okay to question, to laugh, and to learn. It's about fostering an environment where everyone can express themselves freely, engage in open dialogue, and challenge the status quo.
It's about building a society where everyone feels represented, where freedom of expression is championed, and where political discourse is a conversation, not a shouting match. Only then can we navigate today's realities and come out stronger and more united.